Managing Postpartum Rage
What Is Postpartum Rage?
Most people don’t know that postpartum rage is a “thing”. To most new parents, it comes as a surprise. Women report feeling intense anger or rage in instances that they believe should not elicit such a strong response. It can be a spectrum, from irritability to full on rage.These really intense feelings of anger and rage feel uncontrollable. It feels like you want to completely lash out. As a result, it causes lots of guilt, shame, and feelings of isolation.
Postpartum rage can be a symptom of postpartum depression or anxiety (not always, but it can be). Despite what the name indicates, it can actually occur from the time of conception to the first year after a baby's birth. However, symptoms don’t magically disappear, if you don't seek healthy ways to manage these symptoms, it’s been reported to last even 3 years postpartum.
How Common Is Postpartum Rage?
We are conditioned to think motherhood is solely made up of nurturing, joyful experiences. However, experiencing anger is a part of the human experience and not surprisingly, it can show up in this season of life.
The exact estimates for postpartum rage are unknown as it is a condition that is not well researched, is often overlooked and underrecognized. Many women still prefer not to talk about this experience. As a result, maternal rage and anxiety are extremely downplayed in today’s society. However, rates of maternal depression & anxiety are quite common and experienced by 1 out of 7 birthing women. Postpartum rage is a common symptom or co-occurring condition, and one can assume the rates for experiencing this are high.
Postpartum Rage Causes & Symptoms
Anger has a purpose, it serves as a distress signal. Anger is something that we need – it's an emotional experience that alerts us that something is wrong, that we are being disrespected, that a boundary is being crossed. It is the “fight” in our “fight-or-flight” mechanism that is activated when we feel threatened.
Rage is turning up the volume on these feelings. Rage can be violent. It is a “fit” and other people see it. It looks like a tantrum of this emotional experience. It looks like “lashing out”, it can be physical, it can be verbal, etc.
In the transition to motherhood, there are a number of causes to anger & rage:
If you have a previous history of depression or anxiety, you may be more susceptible.
There is a significant hormonal imbalance that occurs at the time of birth, as well as, with ongoing breast milk hormones.
We have to consider the intense sleep deprivation that occurs at this time, often resulting in a higher tendency to feel anxious, irritable or depressed.
There are considerations regarding support systems in place, and when there is a lack of sufficient support, a mother can feel angry & helpless.
There are a lot of pressures and new anxieties that emerge at this time, from body image issues, to time management issues, enormous identity shifts, as well as societal pressure to be the perfect mom or have everything under control.
New moms often report that postpartum anger or rage is typically triggered by something not going as expected or as it “should”. And the response, the level of anger, is out of character and out of proportion to the situation. For example, a baby refusing to nap may set off postpartum rage. Some common symptoms of postpartum rage that new moms report include:
Feeling more irritable, everything sets you off
Your partner, kids, baby are getting on your nerves, you are snapping easily
You are raising your voice more than usual
You are feeling like you’re not acting like yourself
Your experiencing feelings of incompetence, inadequacy, and feeling like you don't know what you are doing which is leading to anger, tension, outbursts
You may experience feelings of embarrassment or shame for experiencing those big feelings and the reaction that is typically out of character, saying to yourself “what is wrong with me?!”
It’s important to remember, this symptom may be completely uncharacteristic of the mom. This is often a sign that there is something else going on and needs to be addressed. We want to investigate, what is triggering this? What is underneath those feelings?
How To Cope With Postpartum Rage
As a perinatal therapist, I should say we aren’t trying to eliminate the anger. What we should aim to do is learn to manage the anger by providing tools to respond to the anger & rage in a healthy way.
What to do “out of the moment”
Identify ‘rage’ triggers
Make parenting choices that alleviate stress/anxiety (breastfeeding versus bottle if impacting mental health)
Enable intentional time for yourself (consider using this time to rest, eat well, get some fresh air)
Find the time & mental space to seek therapy
Educate partner on symptoms & gain their support in helping you manage a situation before you spiral
What to do “in the moment”
Acknowledge & label the emotion as it's happening. Research shows that just naming the emotion can significantly reduce the intensity of it.
Identify automatic negative thoughts, like “this will never work”… “why isn't the baby falling asleep”… “I can’t deal with another failed nap time”...“why can’t I do this!”. Then, REFRAME before you are consumed by anger/rage. Instead say to yourself, “baby is just not sleepy right now. Babies' needs and development are changing, and that’s okay. This moment is temporary, I’ll get through it.”
Redirect. If you need, put the baby down in a safe place or give the baby to a support person. Take a “break” to step away from the situation. Try deep breathing for a few minutes until you feel more settled, splash your face with cold water, do a brief grounding exercise until you can get back to the present moment, practice gentle stretching or movement to let go of the tension you are holding in the body.
Let go of comparisons. Acknowledge when your thoughts & accompanying feelings are influenced by what other moms say about their experience and their baby. Everyone’s motherhood journey is different, everyone’s baby is different. Nothing is perfect.
Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself you are trying your best, there are some things that are out of your control and you are a good mom. A mishap with one nap time does not reflect your competency as a parent.
Treatment For Postpartum Rage
If symptoms are happening often, are causing distress, or you’re feeling concerned, reach out for support. Treatment for postpartum rage can be addressed by a perinatal therapist and can be effectively treated through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Antidepressant medications can also help you feel more calm and prevent postpartum rage outbursts.
CBT of Central Florida offers virtual and in-person pregnancy and post-partum therapy for birthing people and their partners. Therapist Eva S. Reichel has specialized training in postpartum counseling and perinatal mood & anxiety disorders by Postpartum Support International (PSI) and is accepting new clients. Request a consultation.