Managing Motherhood with Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
Skillfully manage the adventures of motherhood with the use of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT):
Learn new ways to adapt to the unpredictability of this season
Pregnancy and postpartum are associated with an enormous amount of life changes. There is so much new learning happening here, from how to take care of your newborn, feeding, sleeping, and regulating yours & your baby’s BIG feelings. And that is a huge learning curve. The truth is, we don’t know what parenthood actually feels like until we become parents.
Something I discovered as a mom and as a perinatal therapist is that these changes are even more challenging when we add perfectionist tendencies to the picture. Perfectionism is very much tied to a false sense of control and avoidance of the feelings of failure. And the reality is, our expectations prior to having children can look painfully different than the reality. If we remain rigid in our ways, hold on too hard to the need to control our experience or our babies, we may find ourselves fighting with reality which will make it more difficult to adapt to this season. Becoming a parent does mean that things may feel overwhelming or chaotic AND that does not mean you are failing.
In my work with the perinatal population, (pregnancy & postpartum), I have found some common themes in the adjustment process to new motherhood:
Inflexible: There is a certain rigidity about doing things; things need to be done the “right” way. Unfortunately, our culture reinforces this notion through one-size-fits-all parenting books and social media influencers.
Negative outlook & self blame: If something doesn’t go as planned (naps, nursing or breastfeeding) you see it as a failure or you feel ridden with guilt.
Emotional difficulty: You feel very dysregulated when your baby is crying or when things go differently than planned; you feel flustered.
Experiential avoidance: You find yourself avoiding doing activities that you value, out of fear that things will be unpredictable (your baby will be fussy or skip nap) and the thought of it feels overwhelming; You avoid these situations as a way to avoid the feelings that accompany them (anxiety, fear, stress).
Over anticipation of a negative consequence: You assume worst-case scenarios; you are feeling dread around everyday things, like bedtime routines & sleep, which can feel so out of reach despite your efforts to control. This may lead to over doing problem solving, in an attempt to control future outcomes with the baby.
Please know that you are not alone. Most new parents experience this to some degree. However, it doesn’t have to be your new normal. During early parenthood, we need to recognize and understand that a new approach may be needed to better cope with this challenging time.
Personally as a mom and professionally as a perinatal therapist, here is how I’ve experienced Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) be beneficial for new mothers:
ACT is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that aims to develop and expand psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility allows a person to adapt their thoughts & behaviors to be more helpful with their present situation and to better align with their values and goals.
The six core processes of ACT include:
Acceptance: Acknowledge & tolerate all your thoughts and feelings rather than denying, avoiding, or changing them.
Cognitive Defusion: This is about distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts or your reaction to your thoughts. Think of it as ‘loosening the grip’ that thoughts have on you. We are noticing your thoughts rather than getting caught up with them.
Bring Present: Encouraging exercises that help you stay out of the future or past distress and more on connecting to the now.
Self-as-Context: Pause and reflect on how our internal thoughts and feelings in any given moment are ever-changing, and are heavily influenced by societal ideas and expectations about the experience of motherhood. However, despite how you feel or think in a given moment, you are still you, that is the constant. The goal of this exercise is to foster awareness of the distinction between you and your thoughts.
Values: This involves identifying your values in different areas of your life and working towards living your life according to these principles. By doing so, you are reducing the chance of falling into unhelpful patterns in the moment that are driven by a desire to avoid personal distress rather than do what is most aligned with your goals.
Committed Action: Taking concrete steps to apply changes in your life that align with your values, despite painful emotions or experiences.
ACT allows us to learn to accept our experience and develop a different relationship to it. In this case, acceptance is not approval, it’s actually about not making the situation worse. As a result, we give up the fight and reduce the amount of unhelpful behaviors and attitudes. Over time, people tend to feel better and their thoughts and feelings often become less relevant.
Want to learn more about how these treatments can aid your mental wellbeing in your new life as a parent? Call or email us today. Individual treatment and group therapy options for new parents are available.
Our therapist, Eva S. Reichel, has specialized training in Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) from Postpartum Support International (PSI).
