Learning to Rest: Why Saying No May Be Part of Your Healing
Last summer, I started thinking differently about rest.
Like many people, I had become accustomed to being busy. There was always something that needed to be written, answered, completed, planned, or handled. And even when I technically had time to rest, it did not always mean that I knew how to rest.
There is a difference between having an open hour on your calendar and actually believing you are allowed to do nothing with it.
So, I started my own journey toward learning how to rest.
What I have learned is that rest is not simply about getting more sleep or taking a vacation. Sometimes rest requires changing the way we think about our worth, our responsibilities, and what we owe other people. And for many of us, one of the hardest parts of learning to rest is learning to say no.
Why Is It So Hard to Rest?
We live in a culture that often rewards productivity. Being busy can become a badge of honor. We praise people for working long hours, juggling multiple responsibilities, and somehow continuing to show up even when they are exhausted.
Over time, we may begin to develop beliefs such as:
I should always be doing something.
If I say no, I am letting someone down.
Other people's needs are more important than mine.
Rest has to be earned.
If I can do something, I should do it.
These beliefs can make rest surprisingly uncomfortable. You may sit down and immediately start thinking about what you "should" be doing. You may agree to another responsibility even though you are already overwhelmed. Or you may finally say no to someone and spend the rest of the day feeling guilty about it.
As an African American woman, I know that there can be additional layers to this struggle as well.
Historically, Black bodies have often been valued according to their capacity to work, produce, serve, and endure. Those messages did not simply disappear. They can show up today in expectations to work harder to receive the same recognition, pressures to prove competence, messages about needing to be strong, and the reality that mistakes or perceived shortcomings may carry different consequences for Black people.
Against that backdrop, rest can become more than simply taking a break.
Rest Can Be an Act of Resistance
The idea of rest as resistance has been popularized by Tricia Hersey, founder of The Nap Ministry and author of Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Hersey describes rest as a spiritual practice and invites us to slow down, listen to our bodies, and reject the idea that our worth depends on how much we produce.
Although sleep is an important part of her work, rest can take many forms. Rest might mean spending time in prayer or connecting with God. It might mean being outside, listening to music, laughing with people you love, sitting quietly, creating something simply because you enjoy it, or allowing yourself to have an afternoon with absolutely nothing productive planned.
What feels restorative will not look the same for everyone.
Hersey's work also places rest within a larger social context. Rest pushes against a culture that encourages constant productivity and against a history in which Black people's bodies were exploited for their labor. It challenges the idea that we must continually perform, achieve, compete, or produce in order to demonstrate our value.
In that sense, choosing rest can communicate something powerful
My worth does not begin and end with what I can produce.
But knowing that intellectually and actually living like you believe it are two very different things.
Sometimes Rest Sounds Like "No"
One of the biggest lessons in my own journey has been realizing that I cannot create space for rest if I continue giving that space away.
Sometimes there is no new self-care strategy that will solve the problem. There are simply too many things on the calendar.
That means learning to say no.
No, I can't take that on.
No, I won't be able to attend.
No, I don't have the capacity for that right now.
And sometimes, simply: No.
This can be particularly difficult if you are accustomed to being dependable, helpful, accommodating, or available. You may worry that people will be disappointed. You may fear being viewed as selfish, difficult, or unkind. For some Black people, there may also be cultural, familial, workplace, or gendered expectations around being strong, helping others, or carrying more than your share.
The goal is not to stop caring about other people. It is to recognize that caring for other people does not require abandoning yourself.
And an important part of learning to say no is learning to tolerate the discomfort that sometimes comes afterward. Someone may be disappointed. Someone may not understand. Someone may even be irritated.
Their reaction does not automatically mean that your boundary was wrong.
Your Therapist Can Help You Learn to Rest
If saying no feels almost impossible, therapy can be a useful place to understand why.
A therapist can help you identify the thoughts and beliefs that make boundaries difficult. Maybe you believe that saying no makes you selfish. Perhaps you feel responsible for keeping everyone happy. Maybe conflict makes you anxious, or you learned early in life that being useful was one of the safest ways to receive approval.
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you and your therapist can examine these beliefs rather than simply accepting them as facts. You can also practice setting boundaries, develop language for saying no, and gradually experiment with responding differently in situations where you would normally overextend yourself.
Your therapist can also help you work through the guilt or anxiety that may arise afterward. Because sometimes the hardest part of setting a boundary is not saying the word "no." It is resisting the urge to take it back.
Learning to rest may therefore require more than changing your schedule. It may require changing your relationship with productivity, other people's expectations, and your own worth.
That is something I am still learning myself.
Since beginning my own journey last summer, I have become increasingly aware that rest is not something I need to earn after I have finally done enough. There will always be another email, another opportunity, another request, another project, or another person who needs something.
At some point, we have to decide that our own well-being belongs on that list too.
Rest does not mean that you lack ambition. Saying no does not mean that you do not care. And slowing down does not mean that you have stopped moving forward.
Sometimes, learning to rest is part of how we heal.
About Janeé Steele PhD, LMHC
Dr. Janeé Steele (she/her) is a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) and certified therapist through the Academy of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies. She holds a master’s degree in counseling and a Ph.D. in counselor education and supervision.
With advanced training in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Dr. Steele works with adults navigating challenges related to depression, anxiety, and racial trauma.
