5 Tips For Working Moms: How To Manage Maternal Separation Anxiety With The Return To Work And Transition To Daycare
What is maternal separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is very common when it comes to kids. But did you know that parents, and moms in particular, can experience it too?
When it comes to big transitions, like if you are heading back to work and transitioning your child to daycare, it is totally normal to feel anxious and concerned about being separated from them. It is expected, and it comes with the territory.
In fact, we are biologically and physiologically wired to seek proximity to our kids when we are feeling stressed. When you are physically close to your kids, your brain releases oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that helps soothe our nervous system and reduces our anxiety.
Maternal separation anxiety serves a purpose. Wanting to stay close to our kids in times of stress serves multiple functions. It protects them and decreases stress for us.
However, sometimes maternal separation anxiety can become non-adaptive. What does this mean? Sometimes our brain can overestimate the amount of danger in a given situation or it can make up a dangerous situation when there is none.
Again, this happens on occasion when you are a parent. However, when this is happening often, it might mean that our brains are going into overdrive and signaling too many ‘false alarms’ - and this can cause a lot of distress.
How do you know you are feeling maternal separation anxiety?
Some common characteristics of maternal separation anxiety include:
uncontrollable worry
catastrophic thinking
low mood
irritability
extreme guilt when leaving your child in the care of others
an urge to control all aspects of your child’s care, and physical symptoms (i.e., nausea, headache, racing heart, panic).
Tips to manage maternal separation anxiety:
If you are facing a big transition, like returning to work or just increasing time away from your child, these are some helpful techniques to increase your comfort level and decrease anxiety about leaving your child with another caregiver, a nanny or at daycare.
1. Acknowledge & label the emotion as it's happening.
Research shows that just naming the emotion can significantly reduce the intensity of it. By acknowledging that you are feeling anxious, you can then better manage it.
2. Prepare other caregivers.
Carve out some time, prior to the transition, to write down your “playbook” of how you approach caregiving, your expectations and non-negotiables. This will help you as you will get these worries out of your head and into a piece of paper.
Of course, the ability of other caregivers to stick to the playbook is dependent on whether you have informal help, an in-home nanny, or if your child is at daycare. If anything, write down your non-negotiables.
For instance, do you let your baby self-soothe to sleep or should the caregiver intervene and help soothe the baby to sleep? Are you okay with supplementing with formula? Screen time? Communicating your non-negotiables to the caregiver can give you peace of mind.
3. Prepare yourself.
Preparing ourselves is just as important as preparing others. It takes a lot to undergo this transition. A helpful strategy to do in advance is to visualize the process of leaving your child and rehearsing both positive and negative outcomes.
There is a chance things will go very smoothly and your little one will go unfazed while you are gone. There is also a chance that when you leave, they will be clinging, crying, and screaming. We just don’t know! But, we can prepare for all these outcomes. What would it feel like? How would you manage it?
4. Start small.
Consider doing small exposures to start building up your comfort level with the upcoming separation. For example, go on a 15-minute walk around the neighborhood while another caregiver looks after your child. The next week, go on a small outing like a 30-minute coffee date with a friend. The week after that, do your weekly grocery shopping on your own and tag on an extra 30 minutes to do something that is just for you.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself, it may feel hard at first, but remember, start small!
5. Integrate acceptance and flexibility.
Some amount of worry is inevitable and unavoidable and there is a lot we can do that is within our control that will make us feel better. At the same time, there are elements of this transition that are ultimately out of our control. There may be parts of your routine that you’d wish to control, but another caregiver may have to do things differently, like in the case of daycare.
Fighting this reality will ultimately lead to more suffering. A helpful and more adaptive way of coping with this is integrating some acceptance over the situation and giving yourself permission to be flexible.
To assist with this, try an exercise of acknowledging what you are comfortable or willing to ‘let go’ of. Even if the routine is not perfect and someone else may not do it completely ‘right’, acknowledge that your baby is safe and well cared for even when you don’t control all aspects of their care.
Counseling for Maternal Separation Anxiety
Despite these tips, there is no doubt that this transition can still be really hard. You can address these symptoms and feelings in therapy to help with your transition, your new role as a mom, and give you some power back over your anxiety.
Maternal separation anxiety comes with the territory but can also be a result of perinatal mood & anxiety (i.e., postpartum anxiety, depression, OCD) or a result of experiencing a previous loss, birth trauma, or a lack of social/emotional support.
These difficult feelings can be addressed by a trained perinatal therapist and can be effectively treated through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
CBT of Central Florida offers virtual and in-person pregnancy and postpartum therapy for moms and dads. Therapist Eva S. Reichel, RCSWI has specialized training in postpartum counseling and perinatal mood & anxiety disorders by Postpartum Support International (PSI). Click here to request a consultation.